Expectations

My now fiancé proposed to me on a Wednesday. Just as I arrived home from work. After a long week — one of those where a slew of unfortunate happenings occur — and during my busiest work season. On paper, this may feel like the worst moment to drop to one knee and ask one of the most important questions, but in reality it now feels like the best and maybe most important. Our expectations or how we feel life or moments should play out tend to muddy the moments itself. And that’s a darn shame, so let’s explore that.

Like most gals dating in their twenties, I was foaming at the mouth to get engaged and call the love of my life my husband. It felt — I’m not married yet, so it still feels this way — primal almost. I want this title so badly that I’m dreaming about it for years, playing it out in my mind, building it up while my husband-to-be sits idly and completely unaware beside me. Now, we’ll give him a lot of credit here, he did design and customize my ring with a jeweler himself so I if we’re going to do it, lets paint him honestly which is a deeply caring, patient, and loving man that I am so thrilled to marry.

We have a drawing on our wall that reads “PRESSURE KILLS. STAY COOL.” This feels more relevant than ever as I enter my bridal era… I sort of cringed even just typing that. Anyways, we’re planning our wedding now and this thing that I’ve been dreaming about for decades is finally here but now what do I do with it? And I’m not alone. Women have been discussing their weddings since they were little. Watching the most heartwarming, tender romance movies sitting so close to the screen that only half a butt cheek is left holding us up on the couch and barely blinking. To avoid complete generalization, let me clarify that I realize not all women have these dreams and those stories are completely white-washed and heterosexual but I’m talking to my fellow dreamers here and I don’t care who you are, you know who you are.

Media in general is a constant and intense push and pull on our daily lives, whether we realize it or not. Film being one of the biggest influencers with social media only in the past few years starting to really dominate. But, before all of that, there were movies. For an hour and a half, you could completely immerse yourself in this world of wonder and, if it’s not clear already, my favorites fell in the romance category. I’ve seen “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” “Bride Wars,” “Mamma Mia,” and “27 Dresses” (and so many more) so many times that I could quote half the movie. Now, I’ve done my fiancé a real solid and I owe it to myself to say this: I am not crazy. I am a normal, albeit easily excitable and energetic and romantic, person. To my point, we’ve been spoon-fed this narrative of a deliciously white, happy day that skips over all of the planning and reality of knowing so badly that you want to get married but seeing dozens of roads to get there and not really knowing which way to go. And don’t get me started on amount of money it all costs! I tend to wonder if it was all broken down with no phones, nothing to show off, no care of what others would think, what would you do?

So, I ask myself this late at night staring at the ceiling in the dark: what would I do if it were all stripped down? Neither my fiancé or I have social media so we are free from… all that. But, listen I’ve had a “Wedding” Pinterest board since the 10th grade, which I’ve recently reinvigorating due to the current state of my left ring finger. With that, I’m nor free or immune to the comparison game. But, I think it’s my duty to myself to fight that. I go back to my engagement. I’ve also dreamed about that since before I can remember, but how he did it was actually perfect because I was completely surprised and it was us. In our home. In our life. And the underlining truth was that it doesn’t take a massive gesture because we want to marry even in the smallest and most stressful of weeks or moments. We choose each other and that’s it. Yes, he was in a suit and there were flowers and candles and music — give the man some credit here! But, it was simple and I’m grateful for it. I didn’t have my nails done or the perfect outfit and a photographer wasn't getting a rash hiding in the bushes waiting for the moment. There’s so much hype around these moments that we lose the real true point of them, and I think it’s time that we take a breath to remember what the point really is. It’s not what we look like or that it’s perfect or there’s someone there to capture it or that your fiancé has pulled off the surprise of a lifetime, but it’s about two people choosing each other. And that’s it. Simple as that. All the rest is just icing on an already absolutely delightful cake.

I’ve spent so much of my time comparing the trajectory and moments of my life to others, agonizing over if they are good enough or if I’m at the right pace, but I’m almost thirty so that means I’m incredibly wise now and I can say that it’s a real waste of time to think all of that. Push through the fluffy — yet intoxicating — scenes in our favorite movies and think about when Toula and Ian are in the limo on the way from their ceremony to their reception and they’re tearing off these ridiculous pieces from her dress, laughing and snuggled close, they didn’t want to go in, they just wanted to be with each other. Without all of the extra, extravagant “must haves” of a wedding. I think we need to start focusing on those moments and learn from that. The wedding, the graduation, the birth, the new home, or whatever that “thing” is will happen and it will come so lets savor it and do it our way.